Today my son is turning 4. I just cannot believe he is a little man already, not a baby anymore! He will start primary school in September, he will become more independent every month, he will strike up life time friendships… And yet, I still see his big blue eyes looking at me lying on my breast, his big lips wide open in surprise of meeting his mum for the first time, very calm and chilled despite he had just been pulled out of me through Ventouse.
I have been thinking a lot about the night he was born and what I wanted to write about it. Shall I wrap it in words of hope for expecting new mothers as I usually do when I talk about my daughter’s arrival, to encourage them, to avoid any unnecessary fear? Shall I be honest and share my feelings of my body being torn and robbed by medical staff to let him out, as I gesture of honesty and empathy for so many other women that lived their delivery as such a dramatic experience? I guess honesty shared with a sensitive touch is always the best approach.
Have you ever felt really low to the point to wonder why you are alive? Have you ever had the impression, in a very difficult period of your life, to have lost your way and not to be sure where you are meant to head anymore?
Well who hasn’t… That is why I decided to write a pregnancy diary as soon as I found out that I would soon give birth to another human being. To put down in words the story of my baby from conception to birth. Just to give a meaning in their life for the days they would go through a storm and couldn’t quite find it anymore for themselves. To know that they were truly loved from the minute they became one unique cell and started multiplying themselves.
A year has passed since the amazing unplanned home delivery that gave life to my daughter and I struggle to believe that this fearless, brave, hard working woman that gave birth to her that way was actually me. I wish I would remember every day I am capable of showing such strength and determination. I usually feel insecure deep down and wonder if I am a good enough mother, a competent employee, a present wife, a loving friend… I always doubt about myself, I tend to self sabotage my actions. But if I look back at that night of labor completely relaxed on my own, I believe I probably managed for once in my life to finally tune into my body and listen to what was happening, not fighting the pain, not even letting the fear take me to the core, at the bottom of my stomach. That was probably the first time I learned to let go: I knew what was coming and accepted that contractions would get stronger and stronger and by doing so, funny enough, they felt less painful. I also know now that her safe arrival in such an empowering way was actually a miracle of the God of my understanding, one of the many he performs in my daily life, the one and only that looks after me so well. My higher power helped me by raising my determination to make things different in my life in general, and more specifically in my second delivery. In fact, after the birth of my son 3 years beforehand, I was extremely anxious at how things would go with the delivery of my second baby. I remember having panic attacks in the last few weeks that brought to her safe arrival, thinking of all the things that could have gone wrong, as first time around… A nightmare period of my life! Luckily I had booked myself in early April for a whole day workshop at Active Birth Centre with Alice Charlwood, which I strongly believe made the absolute difference, together with my determination not to repeat the past and my Higher power’s plans for me.
You may have just had your pregnancy test positive or you may have known for a few weeks and the risk of a miscarriage is over now. In any case, you may not realize it yet, but soon you will start feeling uncomfortable in your skinny jeans if they are quite tight at your waist and at some point your t-shirts will not have enough room for your bump within which your baby is growing ❤
Not every woman will do maternity clothes shopping, depending also on the way they used to dress before their pregnancy. I have a friend for instance who bought almost nothing as her wardrobe was full of XXL jumpers and massive tops 🙂
I personally enjoyed this time of my life as I had not renewed my outfits in ages and I also wanted to feel really comfy in my body with the new changes ahead but still attractive at the same time, not just a big hot air balloon :-D. Knowing I wanted more than one child on the long run, the investment made sense to me anyway…