I care for my husband. Even on the days I feel miles away from him.
On the days I cannot forgive him for having once again forgotten to take down the compost bin the only time I mentioned I might not have a chance to do it myself, hoping one of us will remember this week as I always do. Or for having forgotten to help with our daughter’s potty training or our son’s homework, for wasting the left overs in the fridge as always even if we said we will finish the following day, for often missing to tell me about a work engagement that forces me into babysitting duty last minute. Even on the days I feel so disconnected to him, to the point I don’t want him to look at me or touch me because I feel uncomfortable with myself and I might not even know why.
It may sound stupid but only recently I truly realized how feeling accomplished in life does not mean having the perfect marriage, always polite and cute kids, being a super patient and good tempered mother, wife, daughter, worker or friend… This is the image you sometimes perceive from the outside, when you have the impression other people are happier and more satisfied in their lives than you feel you are in that moment you look around yourself… I am pretty sure I irradiate that image myself to people who long to achieve what they can see from the exterior I have done with my life. But inevitably you hurt your loved ones sooner or later, even without wanting to, and so do they with you.
Sometimes the emotional damage of those actions cannot be undone (an affair/cheating, wrong parenting decisions with long lasting consequences or when you lost it with a family member saying words that cannot be unsaid affecting them forever). However when these situations arise, not everything is always lost: what you can do is take responsibility for your actions, apologize, admit your limits, acknowledge your loved ones’ feelings, recognize your behaviors and learn from them, analyze the unmet needs that lead you to your wrong decision making and get in touch with the fear or the pain that lay beneath it.
I always wonder if I could have ever got married to someone who had a different culture from mine or spoke a different language than me. Sometimes I assume I would have been too scared not to be understood and accepted for who I was as so much about my culture would come out into my day to day behaviors, or that I could have even felt at some point the need to change my attitudes to please my partner’s point of view. Funny enough there is an Italian way of saying: ‘Mogli e buoi dei paesi tuoi’ – ‘[You should always choose] Wives and bulls from your own country’!
In an ideal world the man of my life would have…
I know I should probably not post something in Italian, as if most of my public is English speaker only, they will not be able to understand a word from my text below! However, I recently found this old note of mine posted on my Facebook profile in May 2009.
I remembered indeed having written an apology for marriage at some stage, but when I read it again the other day I was astonished! I couldn’t believe what I was reading: I liked every bit of it to the core and I just realized how wise I was already at the time, despite I had never lived a married life before or been a mother yet. My ideas around what a healthy couple should sound like have not changed an inch and despite I gave it a few tries, I did not feel I would be able to translate it in English without loosing its true meaning and lowering some of its beauty (sorry for lack of modesty, it feels like it was someone else who wrote it as I struggle to believe I was that writer 6 years ago!).
I hope lots of you out there who happen to read my posts now and then may be coming from Italy as well as me or have lived there, I don’t know, in their uni years for instance, as often people say to me, and can still remember a bit to understand this post. And if you don’t speak a word of Italian, but you always wanted to learn the language of Florence and the Renaissance or the original receipy of Spaghetti Bolognese (to mention a few of the many reasons you may like Italy), this is the right way to start by trying to decifer my text 😉 so I really hope you won’t mind me making an exception…
Do you still feel desperate to find the love of your life? Watch this interesting TED on maths applied to sentimental life, hilarious!
I cannot say I am in the perfect couple, however I have solidly shared my life with my partner and now husband for the past 12 years and all 3 tips Hannah Fry suggested in this video do apply to our story 😉
(We never tried to be popular with everyone, we felt since the beginning it was great that each one liked the other for those characteristics that some would actually hate as we wanted to stay ourselves and be natural – We got together in our early twenties and ours was the best relationship we had compared to the previous ones in our teen age years – When we had crises in the past we had deeply sunk into a spiral of negativity and managed to break the chain by bringing back constant positivity to our relationship ❤ )